October

October is a lovely month, this be true. But it is a bit more challenging to enjoy such a lovely time when it rains every day and your windows are taped shut because the first floor flat you rent is being painted. Our land ladies take wonderful care of our shared home but currently all the light is shut out and there is no end in sight to our situation because of the relentless rain. Like a friend said at work, "Nothing happened to me, I'm fine. It's just the weather." Yes, the weather indeed and a few other things that will go unnamed.

I believe I mentioned at some point that I was suffering through graduate school? Well that is very much still the case, but right now the blow is a bit softened by the fact that I am currently the full-time caregiver of a beautiful library. This is wonderful in many ways because the birth mother is bettering herself in graduate school as I get valuable work experience and credit towards my degree. It is amazing, and also really hard. And also amazing, and the paper work nightmare is a real thing. I have to create a literal 3 ring binder filled with dead trees etched with lesson plans and photos me standing like the statue of liberty holding a book for all the little people to see. To prove that I am a librarian who does in fact put books into the hands of trusting children. Rant over.

I have missed you all and this space. But I must tell you that you haven't missed all that much (if anyone is still out there.) There was much weeping and gnashing of teeth as I trained my mind and hand to think like traditional student again. This was not easy. But alongside me the kids did grow a bit in strength and stature which is miraculous and humbling. Praise be to God.

Today was a good day. I walked Myles to school and met my sister for a warm beverage. Then she showed me some photos of our mother that she had dug up. As we approach All Souls Day and her birthday I can feel the grief cloud thickening and gaining matter. Who knew 11 years later, this blog would be like a wailing wall of sorts for me.

But it is. The loss of my mother lives with me every day. And with my children. Myles said to me last night, "you know that piece of music that Marmie really liked, Im singing it at Father Jarvis' funeral on Saturday. I guess I had mentioned that she would play a Sarah Brightman CD at her store, Friends & Daughters and on it was Pie Jesu.

And then moments later (today) my sister and stumbled into this book.  I guess Mary Shelley lost her mother at a young age too. For me the most poignant moment of the story is when the brilliant author writes, "As a girl, Mary learned the alphabet by tracing the letters on her mother's tombstone." This book is so beautiful. My siblings and I were raised on the 1931 film courtesy of my grandfather, but now I must actually read Shelley's true account. I hope I will soak in some of her kindred spirit as I turn the pages.

I love being a librarian. The first few times people asked me for some book recommendations, I struggled for words at the wonder of it. This is something that I have dreamed about for a long time. And then I'm doing all the wrong things in the best of ways. Like I'm buying books that I want to give to kids because I'm too impatient to wait for them to arrive the traditional way. I am checking books out for students on my own public library account like their my own children so they can get them faster. And it thrills me.