I love the silence that winter affords, or rather excuses. I love the art of hunkering down with new yarn, or a video chat with old friends during long evenings. Throw in a little, Hulu and I am mostly complete.  But with those same comforts, comes a struggle to choose joy and patience in close quarters, low light, and root vegetables on repeat. 

I feel that I owe some sort of explanation for why things have been so quiet around this space lately. I could talk more about the relentless winter, and cohabiting, my brother leaving for Afghanistan, among other things.  Partly, I feel like you have all heard my lines before, and it is not my wish to repeat myself. Bingbangcrashboom, really helped me survive some dark times after moving out of the city to a small town.  It kept me accountable, marked my days, and gave me a focus a part from my own navel.  But now, this year looks different. Although, I still feel very foreign in this town, I have more survival tools. And the house is fuller and busier with less time for me to ruminate over things. 

Two weeks ago, and moments after these photo's were taken, Fiona walked up to me and said that her heart was beating "fast." The day before she went the school nurse complaining of a chest pain, and then earlier that day I had noticed her heart racing. So then in the glory of that winter day, which was one of the first that was friendly enough to play in, we raced to the Emergency Room. So far, its nothing. And I pray it will be nothing. But our follow up is this week. To hopefully confirm that it was a fluke.  My own heart rate has settled after the episode, but the feeling of doom is one I will never forget. I wanted to curl up on the floor of the hospital and wail, as I felt it impossible not to assume the worst. There was an acute realization of how quickly life and can turn on its head.  The next day I was scheduled to fly with my sister to Nashville where we were to bid farewell to our brother, set to leave for Afghanistan with the Army.   I went through with the trip despite our emergency, and was very thankful for our time with Nathan and his wonderful fiance.  Another very soul stirring event.  The heart I knit for his pocket.

This week has been school vacation week, and thanks to the great measure of generosity my good friend has, we were able to getaway for a few days to the winter wonderland that Vermont is in February. It was beautiful and snowy, perfect for some pent up sledding energy that the kids had had for months.  The timing was perfect and I am storing that happy memory away some place very close.

So with a sourdough starter and new yarn for Grammie to knit a vest with, we face these last days. The robins are back bringing their good, but premature tidings, and I know that berries are around the bend. 


Anonymous said...

I miss you Ems. Love Sandra

Juju at Tales of Whimsy.com said...

I love this picture of you!
I love that heart.
I can't imagine what you're going through with your brother and your daughter. *hug*
Keep us posted on your kiddo. I pray it's nothing.

Emily said...

Miss you too, Sandra!

Emily said...

Thank you :) I'll email you the heart pattern if you like!